I'd like to welcome back author and counselor Betsy Duffey today as she discusses grief. Don't forget to pick up a copy of their fantastic novel, The Shepherd's Song, if you need an uplifting group of intertwined short stories surrounding Psalm 23.
I'm giving away a hard cover copy of this novel! Leave a comment on this post to be eligible. Winner drawn on Sunday, May 3rd.
Grief is something that is dealt with a lot in novels but did you know that there are some very classic grief stages? These stages can give you some writing fodder for your characters.
Welcome back, Betsy.
When you
are writing about grief, it’s helpful to know the emotional stages that a
character might experience after loss. The stages of grief were defined by
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. Knowing where your
character is in the stages of grief will allow you write more realistically.
Here is an overview with some ideas about what your character might say and do
in each stage. Remember that people go through the stages at their own pace.
Resolving grief can take years, and people can cycle back through the stages as
they heal.
Denial:
Denial is almost always the first reaction to loss. It looks like numbness or shock. Subconsciously, this is a way for the person
to protect themselves. In this stage the
person may seem uncaring.
If your character is in the denial stage they will say things like:
If your character is in the denial stage they will say things like:
I
thought I heard him last night.
Every
time I answer the phone I expect it to be her.
It must
be a mistake.
Bargaining:
Bargaining can been seen in two ways. One,
the person can’t stop thinking about what they could have done to prevent the
loss. The other can be a bargaining with
God to reverse the loss.
If your character is in this stage of grief they will say things like:
If your character is in this stage of grief they will say things like:
If only
I had stopped him.
If I had
gone with her it never would have happened.
God, if
you save him I will never . . . again.
Depression:
Eventually most people recognize the true extent of the loss and can experience
depression. This can make others uncomfortable and worried, but is an important
part of the healing process.
If your character is experiencing depression from grief they will say things like:
If your character is experiencing depression from grief they will say things like:
I can’t
stop crying.
I’m not
hungry.
Nobody
understands.
Anger:
Grief can cause a person to feel helpless and out of control leading to anger.
The person can be angry at God or in the case of a death, at the person who
died. Guilt often follows the anger. Anger is often expressed at others.
If your character is experiencing anger in grief they will say things like:
If your character is experiencing anger in grief they will say things like:
Leave me
alone!
It’s
your fault! It’s the doctor’s fault! It’s God’s fault!
God let
this happen!
Acceptance: As people heal and move through the various
stages of grief, they finally will come to acceptance. This can take years and
may not ever happen.
If your character is in acceptance they will say things like:
If your character is in acceptance they will say things like:
We had
so many good times.
I can
see God working in this.
I
remember when…
The
stages of grief can be demonstrated with loss due to death, but people
experience other losses that can take them into these stages. Loss of a job, moving from your home, sending
a child to college, losing ability through illness. The list is endless. Knowing these stages can add depth to your
writing as you take your character through grief to healing.
****************************************************************************
Betsy Duffey is a licensed counselor and also a writer. She
grew up in a writing family and with her sister, Laurie Myers, began critiquing
manuscripts at an early age for their mother, Newbery winner Betsy Byars.
Betsy and Laurie went on to become authors of more than thirty-five
children’s novels. Their first book for adults, The
Shepherd’s Song, is being released in paperback April 2015. You can connect with Laurie and Betsy on their monthly newsletter where they send out
updates and their popular free devotional books. Contact them at WritingSisters.com and find them on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.